[Performed by a bunch of men with fake pipecleaner-attached beards. Tony is an obvious spoof of Tony Robinson from time team. Bill talks with a west country accent.]

[Timeteam music plays.]

Tony – Now, it’s been a very exciting day on the site today. We’ve found some remains, some pottery, and – ooh, it looks like maybe some more. What’ve you got there, Bill?

Bill – Well, I’ve nearly finished a beautiful pot.

Tony – [laughs] No, Bill. You’ve just found one, haven’t you.

Bill – The paint’s dried, and I’ve nearly finished puttin’ the dust on. Then all I have to do is chip a few bits out and bury the rest.

Tony – Good one, that Bill. Always kidding. Bill’s found a beautiful pot in remarkably good condition. What period do we think its from, Bill?

Bill – Hang on a minute. I’ll see what we wrote on the bottom.

Tony – Right. Bill. Lets try again, shall we?

[music starts: nik nak paddy whack]

# This old pot, made of clay.
# Finished just in time today.

# Bury it, dig it up,
# Must have been from Rome!
# Found it with this heap of bones.

# These old bones, in a pile.
# Laid them out in Latin style.

# Bury them, dig ‘em up,
# Must have been from Rome!
# Found them with this chip of stone.

# This old stone, could be flint.
# Could be almost anything.

# Bury it, dig it up,
# Make theories of your own.
# Plug ‘em in your TV show.

# This old purse. Now been brushed,
# Paint on dust and paint on rust.

# Bury it, dig it up,
# Announce you’ve found the mint
# Ethically we’re fucking skint.

# We don’t care
# We don’t care
# We don’t care if your house falls down

# Bury it, underground
# Give us all the rights
# We’ll dig it up with dynamite!

[an archaeologist pushes a plunger, and cut to footage of a field exploding]

[To the tune of Robin Hood.]

# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown,
# Lives at number 10.
# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown,
# With his band of men.
# Loved by the poor,
# And the fiscal insecure!
# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown.

# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown,
# Fighting crime with zeal.
# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown
# Oozing sex appeal!
# His pen is his sword,
# He fights pension fraud!
# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown.

# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown,
# Has a darker side.
# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown
# Gets strength from deep inside.
# Leads a double life!
# (and so does his wife!)
# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown.

# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown,
# Cruising through the night,
# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown,
# In lycra, cape and tights.
# Something’s awry!
# Gordon must fly!
# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown.

# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown,
# Alights at Putin’s lair.
# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown,
# Defeats the henchmen there;
# Captures the plans
# To expand the mother land!
# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown.

# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown,
# Searching through the base.
# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown
# caught sight of Putin’s face.
# Quick as a flash,
# Gordon makes a dash!
# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown

# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown,
# Warms up his laser eyes.
# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown,
# Aims for putin’s thighs.
# Something’s not right -
# Putin’s got Gordonite!
# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown.

# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown,
# In agonising pain!
# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown,
# The Gordonite’s to blame!
# He tries not to swear,
# It reminds him of Blair!
# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown.

# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown,
# Has fallen to his knees.
# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown,
# Knows when he is beat.
# Pulls out a quill,
# To write down his will!
# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown.

# Gordon Brown, Gordon Brown,
# Dives back on the floor, as
# Sarah Brown, Sarah Brown
# Bursts in through the door!
# All her guns ablaze!
# She fixes Putin’s gaze!
# Sarah Brown, Sarah Brown, Sarah Brown.

# Sarah Brown, Sarah Brown,
# Gordon’s other half.
# Sarah Brown, Sarah Brown,
# Destroys the Russian Czar!
# Democracy will thrive!
# Gordon’s alive!
# Sarah Brown, Sarah Brown, Sarah Brown.

[to: Comin' Round the Mountain]

# Thank you for your email from last night!
# Though I must admit it gave me quite a fright.
# When you said “you get my meaning”,
# I confess it left me feeling,
# That i didn’t get your meaning, not quite right.

# Were you drunk when you wrote what you thought you’d write?
# Was it alcohol or cruel unfunny spite?
# Did you say those things on purpose?
# Did you really mean to hurt us?
# Or was it just ambiguously typed?

# I have trouble understanding what you say.
# I’ve been pondering your messages all day.
# Would it hurt to use a smiley?
# Or in other ways advise me -
# If you’re grumpy or you really think I’m gay.