[A BBC reporter with hand-held microphone stands in front of a scene from peace-talks in some middle-east countries. Two leaders and the negotiator (a plump woman) sit just out of focus at a table. Their flags behind each.]

Reporter – Good evening. I’m reporting to you live from a breather in what has been the most intense and hopeful day of peace talks so far in the region. Behind me, leaders of the two opposing factions and their negotiator – Mrs Applebottom – have been discussing the future of every man, woman and child in the region.

So far, I’m able to report that the negotiations have been an unprecedented success.

Mrs Applebottom brought both sides relucatantly to the table just a few days ago with the alluring smell of her plum bake. Negotiations proceeded smoothly after that, with both men agreeing to divide rights to water and land when Mrs Applebottom announced there would be no custard with their crumble unless they could compromise… and take their elbows off the table.

Later that evening, she persuaded both men to apologise to each other with the promise of her famously special pancakes and sent them home with specific instructions to tidy their rooms or there would be no croissants for breakfast.

They returned this morning, smartly dressed, shirts tucked in, each carrying an apple, and we are moments away from witnessing the final laying down of arms. At long last, after years of bickering the leaders of these two proud nations have agreed to sit together and discuss a resolution as adults. People here, even among the technical crews are weeping…

And right on cue, something seems to be happening. Lets get close in.

[camera zooms in, audio stays with reporter]

She has joined their little fingers together, and they are reciting their declaration of peace. I’m afraid we can’t hear through the bullet proof glass but we can just about make out the words on the official document:

“Make up. Make up. Never never break up.”

Well, ladies and gentlemen – you heard it here first.