[God sits at the high end of an office meeting room desk, as his employees file in nervously...]

God – Sit down, sit down everybody.

[They all sit, and get out their pads, pens, dictaphones, etc.]

God – Apologies for absence? No? Good. First item on the agenda: um… Janet? What’s first?

Janet – You said you wanted to do something about the damp, sir.

God – Did I? Yes, well. Quite right, quite right… Why?

Janet – [rifles through her notes] You said “it’s full of bears”.

God – Oh yes. Bloody things keep getting stuck in the water – and who’s going to buy soggy bears? Let’s blue sky this one people. Go!

[Everybody racks their brains - desperate to impress.]

[Dave puts up his hand.]

God – [sigh] Yes, Dave?

Dave – What if we taught them how to swim?

God – That’s the best you’ve got, is it?

Dave – Well, I-

God – You and your lunatic ideas. Swimming bears? How’s that going to work?

Dave – They could learn to-

God – May I remind you it was your bloody suggestion that got us into this mess in the first place? “Why don’t we make everything fall downwards?” he said.

Dave – It’s-

God – And now the bears are stuck. Stuck!

Dave – [stands up] Look, if we taught the bears to swim, it wouldn’t matter if they fell in the water!

God – Oh, don’t think I don’t know what you’re up to, Dave. While we’re at it, why don’t we put out the fires? And feed the hungry? And stop the wars?! You nasty little hippy.

Dave – I was just suggesting-

God – Janet, are you getting this? I’m firing him.

[Janet gets back to scribbling.]

God – I suggest you sit down and I’ll decide what to do with you later. In the meantime, who has a sensible suggestion?

[More racking of brains.]

John – Cotton wool!

God – [squints at his name badge] John, is it? New boy? Stand up, stand up! This had better be good.

[John stands up - a little shaky.]

John – Well, I thought if there was too much water, we could – you know – make it up to look like cotton wool… [Remembers-] … and keep it in the sky.

[Pause - God stares at him. Nobody else knows where to look.]

God – In the sky.

John – Um. Yes.

[John sits down. Very unsure. Nobody can look at him.]

God – Don’t sit down! [John jumps up again.] Cotton wool. In the sky, eh?

John – Uh-

God – Yes. Yes. I like it. Innovative use of space. Janet, keep up. Then what?

John – Well, it could – you know – fall down again… Somewhere else?

God – Why?

John – Well, it’s like a cycle, you see, sir.

God – Go on…

John – It’s like it keeps the world in balance. The water evaporates and rises into the atmosphere. Then it forms clouds, and makes shade. Then later, it cools, forms droplets and gently falls on the hills and countryside, keeping them moist and quenching the thirst of the plants and animals there that need it the most.

God – Oh you’re a keeper! The water flies up into the air, and then it falls down again. [Playing with his pen.] And flies up in the air. And falls down again. Up. And down. And up! And down! Best suggestion I’ve had all week.

[John smiles weakly and sits down.]

God – But what’s it missing? Anyone?

[Janet puts up her hand.]

God – Not you, Janet.

[Janet takes down her hand.]

God – Anyone? Anyone?

[Long pause.]

God – Giant bolts of sizzling electricity! There’s not much bloody point in flying water if it can’t shoot electric-death, is there? No, sir! We’ll have cracking noises and high-voltage discharges and none of these pansy little droplets! We’ll have buckets and buckets of the stuff! Water so strong it can sweep away forests. And wind. Strong wind. All together. Whoosh and crash and splash! Brilliant!

Right – everyone, back to work!

Not you, Dave. I’m going to need someone to test it on, aren’t I?