[God sits at the high end of an office meeting room desk, as his employees file in nervously...]
God – Sit down, sit down everybody.
[They all sit, and get out their pads, pens, dictaphones, etc.]
God – Apologies for absence? No? Good. First item on the agenda: humans. Sort of a sticking point this one – they’re just a bit dull, basically. Don’t do much, and it’s not going to sell. All the prototypes just seem to sit around all day scratching their bums. Janet, are you getting this?
[Janet scribbles furiously on her pad.]
God – It’s not in the agenda, but I thought we should take 5 minutes and brainstorm something. Everybody agree?
[Nodding.]
[God produces an hourglass and turns it over.]
God – 5 minute guillotine then. Go!
[Everybody starts thinking, and scribbling on their pads.]
Dave – Killing!
God – I’m listening, Dave.
Dave – What if they… periodically… killed each other a bit.
God – [encouraging] Good. Good. Why?
Dave – Err… [he doesn't know]
God – Come on people, motivation. Why do they want to kill each other?
[More thinking, scribbling.]
God – Imbeciles, the lot of you.
Ian – Reproduction!
God – [sarcastic] They kill each other to reproduce. Brilliant. Just fucking brilliant, Ian. This is what I pay you for is it? Give that man a medal. No, a badge. And prick him with it. Stupid little shit.
Ian – No, no. I mean – maybe there’s… competition… to reproduce.
God – And why would they want to reproduce? Sounds like a lot of effort to me. Come on, man. Real motivation here. What’s so good about it?
Ian – … We’d make it feel nice?
God – Ok, Ian’s back in the game! Janet, keep up! Reproduction then. Talk us through it.
[Ian goes to the whiteboard.]
Ian – Well, actually we’ve been working on this for a while now, down in Organs. It’s a bit complicated.
God – Give us the executive summary then.
[Ian draws a stick man and woman.]
Ian – Ok. So basically we make two kinds of human.
God – I’m not starting from scratch again. Bloody pain the first time.
Ian – We thought you could base the second one on the first.
God – Ok.
Ian – But make it… you know. Woman-y…
[pause - God doesn't understand]
Ian – Like Janet.
[Janet looks pleased.]
God – But less ugly, I presume?
[pause]
God – Janet, are you getting this?
[Janet nods and scribbles in her pad.]
Ian – It would need proper lumps, of course.
God – Lumps.
Ian – Yes. One here and one here.
[He draws balloon breasts on the stick-woman.]
God – And what are they for?
Ian – [pleased with himself] They’re an advert. They sort of say “reproduction – come and get it!”
God – So they talk?
Ian – No, no. They just… – anyway. Then the other kind – the first kind, comes along and puts his reproduction organ in a special hole the woman-y one.
God – He puts a bit of himself inside her.
Ian – Yes.
God – I don’t know what they’re going to say in circulation. Fiddly stuff you know.
Ian – We’ve talked it through with circulation. Anyway, it turns out it doesn’t need to come off at all.
God – With you. Like it, like it. What happens next?
Ian – Well, they… sort of wiggle around a bit.
[Ian demonstrates a thrust or two.]
God – Oh very imaginitive! Janet! Write this down!
Ian – And then they err… reproduce. Any questions?
God – What does it look like?
Ian – What?
God – You know, this wiggly thing of yours.
Ian – Well, um. A bit like-
[He draws a crude cock.]
[Long pause. God rises from his chair.]
God – What the fuck is wrong with you people? You’re going to put one of those on the front of my brilliant creation?! You sick little shit. Get out! Get out!
